


A Gift for Hermione

by cyanoxile (shikinami)



Series: A Day to Relax [3]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Classic Sirius joke, Dialogue-Only, Established Relationship, Humor, M/M, Many unnecessary punctuation marks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-29
Updated: 2018-03-29
Packaged: 2019-04-14 08:50:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14132520
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shikinami/pseuds/cyanoxile
Summary: Harry and Draco speculate on the perfect gift for Hermione's 30th birthday.ORRon wishes he could take back the time he spent strolling in Diagon Alley on a nice Sunday afternoon with his idiot best friend and his equally idiotic boyfriend.





	A Gift for Hermione

**Author's Note:**

> Dedicated to the best sister from another mother a human could have, H! Thank you so much for this wonderfully crackish prompt.
> 
> Many thanks to [illumineepanda](https://illumineepanda.tumblr.com) for the beta and [@KaterineBlack](/users/KaterineBlack) for the Britpick!

DRACO  
It was decent of you to come, Weasley, even if you did not respond to my owls.

HARRY  
I told you we didn’t need Ron! What’s wrong with shopping for Hermione’s birthday gift with me?

DRACO, SNORTING  
If you had to ask—

RON  
That’s enough, lovebirds. Malfoy, your boyfriend here told me not to. And Harry, really? You’re the worst gift giver this side of the Wizarding World. At least this way ‘Mione gets a new, interesting gift, even if it’s from bloody Malfoy.

HARRY  
Hey! What’s wrong with the books I gift her? She’s always loved those!

RON  
Mate, the new editions of _Hogwarts, A History_ yearly does not a gift make when she’s written almost half of the content anyway.

DRACO  
Really, Potter? _Hogwarts, A History?_ (SIGHS) Sometimes I really wonder why I decided to get in a relationship with you, much less be associated with you.

RON  
His big dick, probably.

DRACO  
_Enormous_ dick.

HARRY  
Kill me now.

DRACO  
Fortunately for you, Weasley, _I_ am an _excellent_ gift giver. Now, I normally wouldn’t request your assistance on something like this, but I’m afraid I don’t know Granger enough besides the fact that she can be an insufferable know-it-all—

HARRY AND RON  
Hey!

DRACO  
I said she can be, not that she totally _is_ one. Do you deny it?

RON  
I’m starting to regret my decision to come here.

HARRY  
Imagine my life every day.

DRACO  
Hush. As I was saying, I don’t know Granger well enough to make an informed decision as to what would be a suitable gift for her thirtieth birthday. Surely this is a milestone year, and if my understanding of women is to be believed, they go positively, absolutely _mad_ on these milestone years.

HARRY, MUMBLING  
Your understanding of women is practically non-existent.

DRACO  
What?

HARRY  
I said, you could’ve just asked Ron what she wanted.

DRACO, GASPING  
_Sacrilege_ , Potter! The noble art of gift-giving hinges on the recipient’s personality, desires, and goals, not merely— (SCOFFS) _wants_!

HARRY, GROANING  
Now I remember why I didn’t want to get Hermione’s gift with you.

DRACO  
Nonsense! Granger will receive the best thirtieth birthday present, and Weasley will sing praises to our names for this!

HARRY  
Just _kill_ me already.

DRACO  
Now, Weasley. I need you here mostly to tell me of Granger’s personality, desires, and goals. You needn’t stay for the actual purchasing of the gift—in fact I insist that you don’t—so you won’t accidentally spill the beans to your better half.

RON  
I can keep a secret from her!

DRACO  
Didn’t I just say _better_ half? She will simply suss out that you have knowledge of a gift for her so great that she won’t be able to resist prying the information off you.

RON  
Merlin, Malfoy, you’re such a tosser. Why didn’t you just ask Harry about all of these then?

DRACO  
There are only so many times that I can take him saying “why not just get her a book?” before I get up and murder him. You really think I didn’t try?

HARRY  
I’m right here!

RON, HUMMING  
Fair point.

DRACO  
…

RON  
…

HARRY  
…

DRACO, CLEARING THROAT  
Weasley.

RON  
_Oh_! Well, you’re right I suppose, ‘Mione does know a lot of things. But she’s really mostly practical, like she’d rather have things that she will certainly use, not just because it was pretty or expensive or anything.

DRACO, NODDING  
All right, what else? Desires?

RON  
Desires… well she wants to do a lot of things, always wants to be on top of everything, y’know? But I don’t think that’ll help with gifts… She’s not really into material things much, just that the things she wants are intangible, but something that she can control.

DRACO, NODDING  
Good, good. Goals?

RON, LAUGHING  
Well, she’s always complaining about how slow things are, so one of her goals is to streamline anything she touches. I guess there’s that.

DRACO, HUMMING  
I see. So: practical, controllable, and less time consuming.

RON  
Pretty much.

DRACO  
Hmm.

RON  
...

HARRY  
...

DRACO  
...

RON  
...

HARRY  
...

DRACO  
Harry.

HARRY  
What.

DRACO  
Which one did you say was nicer again? _Lubrico_ or _Agualenis_?

HARRY  
Huh?

DRACO  
Focus, Potter. Which is better, _Lubrico_ or _Agualenis_?

HARRY, HUMMING  
Well. _Lubrico_ usually comes out thicker for me, but _Agualenis_ is just too thin and watery so I go for _Lubrico_.

DRACO, SNORTING  
You do get overexcited most times for you to get _Lubrico_ right.

HARRY  
Hey! I don’t hear you complaining when I do get overexcited! Besides, the Muggle ones are far more superior. They have flavours! The better choices would be Astroglide or KY.

DRACO  
Potter, we’re wizards. Surely you know we’re able to modify spells? Even better, we can invent new ones. If you want, I can try doing a bit of tweaking on _Lubrico_ to make it taste whatever you want for it to taste like. Yes, Granger might even appreciate that, if the spell were tailor fit for her...

RON  
What is—

HARRY, ROLLING EYES  
Oh _please_ , like anybody would have time or the wits to throw such complicated spells by then. At least with the Muggle ones, you just pull it out from a drawer or something or do a simple _Accio_ and voila!

DRACO  
True. Still, it depends who casts it, and I’m sure Granger can do it easily.

RON  
What are—

HARRY  
Are you actually agreeing that Hermione is better at spell-casting than you in the heat of the moment? Because I’m pretty sure you’ve fucked up both _Lubrico_ and _Agualenis_ when you’re all... (SMIRKS) fucked up.

DRACO, SPLUTTERING  
Why, I’ve _never_ —

RON  
Hey! Stop ignoring me!

HARRY, IGNORING RON  
Besides, it’s not you who usually casts all those dumb spells, you make me do them more than half the time!

DRACO  
Well, you’re the one who insists on not hurting me, so it makes sense for you to do them instead. I keep telling you, I can take whatever you... (SMIRKS) give me.

RON  
Is this—

HARRY  
At least the Muggle ones can change temperatures. You just blow or wait a couple of seconds then it goes from hot to cold to hot! Can you even imagine casting that and accidentally burning your balls?

RON  
_What_!?!? Hermione doesn’t have balls!

DRACO, SNORTING  
I should hope not. (ROLLS EYES) Fair point, Harry. Still, it seems rather gauche to give her something one could easily buy at a store. The personal touch really isn’t there.

HARRY  
Hmm, yeah. Maybe a potion based on Muggle lube, then?

DRACO, SNORTING  
You just want me to do all the work. That’s pretty Slytherin of you, love. I approve.

RON  
L-lube...?

DRACO  
Why, of course Weasley, what did you think we were talking about? I sincerely hope you keep your gob shut about this though because I will not hesitate to Obliviate you.

RON  
Why do you even think gifting my wife lubricant would be a good idea? She doesn’t even have a bike, much less a car?

DRACO  
...what?

HARRY, SNORTING  
It’s not for a car, Ron.

RON  
Then what—

DRACO  
I have no idea what you buffoons are talking about. Weasley, lubricant hits all of what you just told me. It’s practical, it makes control easier, and it makes activities less tedious. The usual preparations do get tiresome when all you want to do is fuck.

RON  
Are you... are you telling me that you have been talking about lubricant... f-for _sex_ this whole time?!

DRACO, SIGHING DEEPLY  
I have no idea why the likes of Granger and I allow ourselves to get penetrated by men whose brains are practically non-existent. We simply are too smart for this.

HARRY  
Hey!

RON  
How in the _seven hells_ did you come up with this idea!?!? Are you fucking _serious_ right now!?!?

HARRY, GLARING AT RON  
I _highly_ doubt Draco has sexual relations with my godfather.

DRACO, SCOWLING  
Don’t be crass, Weasley, though I admit I wouldn’t say no to Cousin Sirius if he did ask.

HARRY, GLARING AT DRACO  
_Hey_!

DRACO  
Besides, I just told you why it would be the perfect gift. It fits all the requirements. It’s also something _I_ can recreate for that personal touch, then just say on the card that Harry helped even though she’d probably figure out that he didn’t. It’s the thought that counts.

HARRY  
I can actually—

DRACO  
Hush, love. There’s no way in this green earth that I will let you near my potions lab.

HARRY, GRINNING  
Not even if I’m... not actually there for potions making? How about love—

RON, GROANING  
Kill me _now_.

DRACO  
Now that would be a _horrible_ gift for Granger. I’m sure she has... uses for you and would be ever so cross if you died, even if I cannot fathom as to why she would be, honestly.

HARRY, SNORTING  
You’re such an arse.

DRACO, SMIRKING  
You love me anyway

RON, MAKING DYING AND GAGGING NOISES  
I curse the day I decided to be nice to you, ferret. Lubricant isn’t even a good gift!

DRACO  
What are you talking about?

HARRY  
Yeah mate, I think it’s nice and useful. Even if I’d rather tear my brain out than imagine you and Hermione have sex.

RON  
You were _literally_ just talking about boinking each other! In front of me! (GROANS) She doesn’t even need lube!

DRACO, GASPING  
Are you saying you go into her... dry? What kind of barbaric—

RON  
She’s able to self-lubricate, you homosexual nitwits!

DRACO AND HARRY  
...what?

RON  
She’s a _woman_!? Born with a _vagina_!? With a natural lubricating mechanism in her womanly, vagina-having body!

HARRY  
But if you do it from the rear end? Butts don’t lubr—

RON  
No, Harry! Hermione isn’t interested in sodomy! Not now, not ever!

DRACO  
How do you even—

RON  
I know! We’ve t— (GLARES) None of your arse-loving business, ferret!

DRACO  
I do love arse.

HARRY, DREAMILY  
He does.

RON, GURGLING FRUSTRATEDLY  
I fucking hate you both! You’re not giving my wife lube and I’m _never_ shopping for _anything_ with you ever again! Weasley out!

(POPPING NOISE)

DRACO, HUFFING  
Well. That was rude.

HARRY, CHUCKLING  
You pissed him off.

DRACO  
I was just telling him facts. He needn’t be so sensitive.

HARRY  
I told you we could just shop by ourselves. What are we getting ‘Mione now?

DRACO  
Who says we’re getting something different? Come now love, we’re going to the apothecary.

HARRY  
I’ll just order some other book then, if she ends up hating your gift.

DRACO  
She won’t.

HARRY  
At least we’ll have more for our stash if she does send it back.

DRACO  
Harry, I really doubt that she’d hate it. In any case I could always make more for… our own pleasure.

HARRY, BEAMING  
Can you make it change temperatures too and taste like treacle tart?

DRACO, CHUCKLING  
Your mind is so odd, love. Of course I can.

HARRY  
_Yessssss_. To the apothecary we go!

 

* * *

 

Hermione liked her gift so much that she urged Draco to sell it. The book-shaped object that came with it remains unwrapped.

Draco did sell his concoction, but under a different name because no Malfoy will ever be associated to something as plebeian as sexual implements.

Ron begrudgingly sent a thank you card to Draco and became a regular buyer of Draco’s magical lube. He orders under a different name.

Harry continues to delight in the private and limited editions of Draco’s magical lube, ever thankful that his boyfriend is an amazing potions master, amongst other things.

**Author's Note:**

> poor ron lmao we love him tho <3
> 
> so my convo with h actually went like this:
> 
> h: write me a dialogue about choosing the best lube brand  
> h: should read for about 4-5 minutes or more  
> c: FUCK HAHAHA OK WAIT  
> h: DRARRY, the catch: ron has accidentally tagged along  
> h: /evil laugh  
> c: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
> 
> in return, i challenged her to write about the lady character in her non-hp fic having a dump in some public restroom, and outside she hears her boyfriend and his friend talking about her
> 
> now i'm just waiting until i'm free again to write the other dialogue prompt she gave lol


End file.
